so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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