I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
