I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
