got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
