So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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