you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
