i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Actions speak louder than pants.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
