Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
