Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Pants 0. Shit 1.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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