i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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