i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
