he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
