I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We have started to decorate penises.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
