I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
