we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
