the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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