I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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