Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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