i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
