But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
