someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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