I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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