Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
