This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
