I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
