You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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