your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I want a musical about memes.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
