I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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