I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
