got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
