i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
