yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
