saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
