Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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