Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i out mim tonsoeep
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
