I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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