Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
