Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
