Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
