She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
