i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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