I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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