i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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