he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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