I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
