Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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