My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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