I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
