Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
