Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
